The Grandest Act of Love
What could be the grandest act of love?
For me, it is praying in silence for the people who have left something meaningful in my life, the ones I love, the ones I deeply respect, and the ones I am deeply grateful for.
Somehow, they brought so many good changes into my life.
Because of them, I became more aware of myself and my life.
And I could say that they changed me into a better version of myself.
Months ago, I had the chance to meet many new people.
Each of them brought a different lesson into my life.
I fell in love (or at least, I think I did).
But then I got my heart broken.
That is a fact.
It hurt, but I learned so much.
There was someone who made me understand myself more deeply.
He made me realize how many insecurities I have been carrying around, and he convinced me that perhaps they were all just inside my head. Because of him, I tried to be braver in facing my life and myself.
Then there was another person who made me realize that, in this crazy life, I still have God. A God who has given me so much, and to whom I can always return, surrender, and ask for guidance. Because of her, I realized that I had been looking for too many things in the wrong places. Because of that, I realized I needed to repair my connection with God and make better use of the limited time I have.
And then there was another one who finally made me understand that I need to stop chasing love from other human beings.
So now, I am trying to straighten my path. I'm trying to live my life for Allah.
But does that mean I have stopped loving people?
Maybe not.
Honestly, I don't know.
Because who knows what will happen in the future?
Maybe I will love again. Maybe I won't.
But for now, I am channeling all my feelings to Allah.
The thing is, my heart and mind still often circle back to them.
And sometimes, it hurts to carry all these feelings with nowhere to put them.
I miss talking to them badly. I miss having those good conversations with them.
I miss being able to tell them things. But talking to them might bring back feelings and emotions that I am not ready to carry again.
So I talk to Allah instead.
I tell Him about the things I cannot say to them.
I whisper their names in my prayers.
Not to ask Allah to bring them back to me, but to ask Him to have mercy on them and guide them to Him, just as, in their own ways, they guided me closer to Him.
Maybe they will never know, and that is okay.
Because I think that's the beauty of it.
Because perhaps the grandest act of love is not always holding someone close.
Sometimes, it is letting them go quietly, while still asking God to protect them when I can't do it myself.
And maybe that is my grandest act of love.
To love them quietly.