Loving With an Anxious Heart
I’ve always thought that I have an unfortunate love story.
And I’ve always believed that I’m unattractive, so no one is interested in me.
I’ll be 37 soon, but I’ve only had one boyfriend. Even that didn’t last long, almost a year, and it was a very long time ago. After that, I never dated again, because I was never really close to any men.
I keep thinking that I want love, that I want to be loved, and yet I know I have issues I need to resolve first, before entering a healthy relationship.
Thankfully, in this internet and social media era, I’ve read a lot.
That’s when I came across a post about attachment styles in relationships, and I realized that my attachment style is anxious. It means I crave closeness, reassurance, and emotional connection, but I also tend to worry a lot about being rejected, abandoned, or not being enough for the person I like.
Then I started to realize, how can I be in a relationship when just being interested in someone already makes me overthink? I get attached easily and quickly. When I have a crush on someone and he’s kind to me, I immediately think too far ahead, like imagining what it would be like if I ended up with him. But the moment he becomes a little distant or a bit less responsive, my mind automatically goes to “Well, he probably doesn’t like me, the way I like him” or “Okay, he’s just being nice and respectful to me, but he doesn’t have any romantic interest in me.”
And then I’m back to square one.
No one wants me.
I know I need to fix this.
But it feels like I keep circling the same patterns.
I really want to stop being this anxious when it comes to love.
I want to feel safe and secure too.
But how can I learn to feel safe and secure, if I don’t have someone to experience it with?
If I don’t even have someone who chooses me in the first place?