Life is Only a Test
I'm writing again.
I'm back after months of trying to run from my scattered thoughts.
I think it's time for me to sit with my head and heart once again.
Because I'm going to perform Umrah next month, I need to let go of certain things and put everything back into place, so I can finally move on with my life.
Well, months ago, my life suddenly got harder. It's like all of the problems came one after another, all at once, and I didn't know exactly how to handle them.
After realizing that my struggle to fit in and to find love was because of my unresolved childhood trauma, I finally decided to confront my adopted mom as part of my healing journey. Yet, I still couldn't stop hating her. I still resent her. She still annoys me to this very day, and I still wish she would be out of my life.
But what can I do? I can only accept things the way they are.
And then, after a series of failures in finding a companion in this broken life of mine,
I decided to stop wanting a marriage and a family of my own. I was so heartbroken.
But it is what it is.
In a moment when I was vulnerable and not thinking clearly, I got scammed and lost my money too. I also heard rumors that my workplace was not doing well, and there was a possibility that I could be laid off.
And as if that wasn't enough, I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. She promised me something, but then changed her mind so easily, leaving me questioning,
is there anyone I can trust?
I feel like these problems never end for me.
But thankfully, in the middle of all of that, I remembered that this life is only a test.
I'm a Muslim, so of course I believe in the hereafter.
Our journey doesn't end when we die and our body get buried.
We will be raised again by Allah to be held accountable for everything we have done in this world. And after that, we will be placed either in paradise or hell, depending on how we lived our lives.
But I've wasted 37 years of my life being too busy chasing what I wanted from this world. And I was too busy pitying myself because I didn't get everything I wanted.
But it's okay. Now I'm awake from my slumber, and I'm learning the art of surrendering to Allah's plan.
By surrendering, I don't mean that I've given up on my life. I just stopped trying to control what I cannot control.
Now I only want to live with gratitude for what I've been given, ask for forgiveness for all the sins I've committed, and focus on living a good life so I can attain His paradise one day.
We have been given this life to live it as best as we can, to be useful to others, to help one another, to take care of this world instead of destroying it. And above all, we have to be grateful and worship our Creator who created us. If Allah is pleased with how we live and what we do in this world, then His promise is His paradise.
So why am I so worried about this life that will end soon?
Why do I have to chase this temporary world when I can strive for a paradise that lasts forever?
So now that is my ultimate goal.