Clarity
Sometimes it fascinates me how the universe somehow gives me signs of clarity, when I wasn’t even actively searching for it.
I have mentioned before that there are so many secrets in my family. And yet, I found them bit by bit. Well, it’s not really that I found them, it was more like I was given hints, and I was forced to conclude everything on my own while growing up.
One thing that I regret is why that information had to come into my life when I was only a child. My 36-year-old version now feels so much pity for my younger self, for having to receive those truths so early.
Because of that, my childhood was never truly happy.
Because of that, I grew up carrying their secrets.
Because of that, I feel lonely, feeling like I don’t have anyone to turn to.
I don’t know why, but I couldn’t bring myself to confront them. I keep saying to myself,
“Well, what is a little girl supposed to do with that kind of information?”
But then I ask the exact same question to my adult self. The problem is not the age, I realize.
I could not fight back then, and I still could not fight even now. I’m too much of a coward to face my own reality.
But, if only I could go back to the past, I’d like to be there with my younger self and tell her that she’s not alone. That she never had to be alone. She could talk to anyone she wanted. She could reach for help. Or even ask all of them why they did the things they did.
I want my younger self to be braver and stronger, so I wouldn’t have all these kinds of problems in my life now. So I wouldn’t struggle so much to adjust myself with others. So I wouldn’t have to feel lonely. So I wouldn’t have to be unhappy with my life.
I’m still on the process to heal myself now, in whatever ways I think could help me.
I have tried visiting a psychologist (although honestly I feel it didn’t help me much).
I’ve read some self-improvement books (but I couldn’t seem to grasp the important parts of what should be done).
I have even tried to convince myself that it’s okay to be alone. That it’s totally normal that I'm still single and haven’t found anyone in my 36 years of life, and so on. I tried to convince myself that maybe marriage is not for everyone, and that it includes me. I tried to convince myself that maybe this is my life path, to live alone and to die alone.
But sometimes, I refuse to accept all of that. I don’t want to be alone.
I want to enjoy my life.
I want to be happy. As simple as that.
Just like I said before, the universe gives me signs of clarity. Now I’m on a journey to gather those little pieces, like I’m completing a puzzle of my life, so I can understand myself better. I hope I can finally heal myself and make peace with everything that has happened.
Anyway, even though I’m not that religious, I have faith in God. So I believe that those signs are God’s way of telling me what I need to know, and what I need to learn from them.